Samantha Dee

I'm finding myself saying 'What the-' far far too many times.

I love black, in my mind, it hides a multitude of sins, bulges and blobs and gives me a bit of confidence.

Well here we are then, on what feels like the gritty, slimy chaotic decline into Christmas, a period of gluttony and debt and hypocr- Oh hold on, too goth? Yeah,…

Got home to a garden full of geraniums as big as dinner plates (ok, slight exaggeration for dramatic effect) and peonies as big as footballs (not an exaggeration) now I've…

It didn't matter to me that I hadn't been signed by Random House or Penguin Books. I'd achieved something. I'd accomplished something, and it was truly from my heart that…

Note to self: find a yacht thief. Agree to go halves, as long as I can have the Chippendales on the sun-deck.

eel like you're in the Matrix every time you look at the calendar. 'But, wait, what the-' is my phrase of choice lately.

Ooh, these knickers are nice, wonder why I haven't worn them in a while?

'The evolution of exercise: craze > drudgery > abject hatred

It's never going to end well; death by Rice Krispies, well, not glamorous is it?

84f for the past couple of days, which means I've retreated into the closet under the stairs. The perfect place to blog, let me tell you.

I'm a water sign. Which means that I need to be sea/ocean side fairly often. This is hopefully happening next week. If not it's going to be a week of…

The planet is dying. We're all doomed. Oops, I've gone a bot Goth again haven't I?

Thank goodness, as I was being mistaken for Aunty Em from Wizard of Oz.

Slept with my cat last night. Woke up with her on my head. Probably crying on my haircut from HELL.

It smells like your Granny's talcum powder flouffer - you know, the one with the great big feather puff in a pink plastic pot.

Until I actually realised that my left knee hurts more than the heat of a thousand suns when pressure applied to it. Yoga mat back in the closet.

I've tackled another room at Casa Del Hoarding Bitch, this time, the cupboard under the stairs.

British drivers: the harder it rains, the faster they drive.

My skin is white that if I bared skin, I'd permanently damage your retinas.

I think I have brain-pixies. They're like sock-fairies. On crack.

I bought the cats a water fountain last week. They saunter past it with the contempt it deserves. The bastards.... #humor #blog #lifestyle #funny #MyBigFatFat

I've re-discovered Marmite. And have been living off it all week. Are you a lover or a hater?

It's definitely the sweetcorn. Not the Turkish Delight I'm eating right now with my coffee. At 7.30am. #LifeGoals

PENIES - is that plural of PENIS?

I promise not to turn you into Hannibal Lector.

You know you're old, when you buy 4000-grit sanding paper and some LOPPERS

She applied some numbing cream and asked me what my pain threshold was. I still didn't get nervous and my Aunty started chuckling in the corner.

Strapping an ice pack onto the front of your household fan with a hair-band is,well, super-dangerous.

It's been 39 degrees this week. Even blinking makes me sweat.