Samantha Dee

So, my plan for the next job interview is to walk in, face my interviewer, tell him my salary requirement, and then knock him the fuck out. 

I did a cookery video yesterday with a wonky eyebrow and lipstick that looked like it was applied while drunk and in a wind tunnel.

The next day I have to use the bathroom in a hazmat suit.

'The evolution of exercise: craze > drudgery > abject hatred

I've tackled another room at Casa Del Hoarding Bitch, this time, the cupboard under the stairs.

It's the next best thing to having a gingerbread house. Or a shoe.

I think I have brain-pixies. They're like sock-fairies. On crack.

The guys at the car wash are beginning to think I'm a creepy stalker.

Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks…

I've re-discovered Marmite. And have been living off it all week. Are you a lover or a hater?

How about I make you throw up for three hours after lunch then?

The Dogs of 2017 pic.twitter.com/X1du1d59gC — WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) December 29, 2017 Completely off topic, but had to share this!! Happy New Year

'It has a really nifty applicator and feels really cool when applied - instantly calming my skin that quite often looks like I've been dragged behind a car on my…

It's really sexy; for the kind of people who think screaming hairy armadillos are sexy.

I love black, in my mind, it hides a multitude of sins, bulges and blobs and gives me a bit of confidence.

On the way to make a milky coffee the other day (latte for you posh b*srds), I fill up my mug with milk and walk into the bathroom with it.…

Got home to a garden full of geraniums as big as dinner plates (ok, slight exaggeration for dramatic effect) and peonies as big as footballs (not an exaggeration) now I've…

Willow's winter plumage is in full swing now. She looks like that poison-spitting dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

Well here we are then, on what feels like the gritty, slimy chaotic decline into Christmas, a period of gluttony and debt and hypocr- Oh hold on, too goth? Yeah,…

I remain optimistic. I'ts just a spring-shedding. You know, like a grizzly bear does.

Note to self: find a yacht thief. Agree to go halves, as long as I can have the Chippendales on the sun-deck.

That choice has changed to ‘how many layers of clothing would prevent the cats from eating me, when I die of cold’.

She applied some numbing cream and asked me what my pain threshold was. I still didn't get nervous and my Aunty started chuckling in the corner.

Dear Universe: ya know, if ya stop fricken waking me up at night, I could do better.

It's never going to end well; death by Rice Krispies, well, not glamorous is it?

Opened the veggie drawer in my fridge and almost fainted at a massive spider. Turned out to be a tomato 'stalk'. Note to self: clean the damn fridge.

It smells like your Granny's talcum powder flouffer - you know, the one with the great big feather puff in a pink plastic pot.

Cutting your grass while wearing flip-flops turns your toes green.

After that I might write a book about procrastination. Maybe. We'll see.

The thing had some weird nose-flaps which close over your nostrils when you breath in.