Samantha Dee

So, my plan for the next job interview is to walk in, face my interviewer, tell him my salary requirement, and then knock him the fuck out. 

Well here we are then, on what feels like the gritty, slimy chaotic decline into Christmas, a period of gluttony and debt and hypocr- Oh hold on, too goth? Yeah,…

Willow's winter plumage is in full swing now. She looks like that poison-spitting dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

Dear Universe: ya know, if ya stop fricken waking me up at night, I could do better.

Until I actually realised that my left knee hurts more than the heat of a thousand suns when pressure applied to it. Yoga mat back in the closet.

I know I'm going to wake up one morning with him sucking out my eyeballs.

It's the next best thing to having a gingerbread house. Or a shoe.

eel like you're in the Matrix every time you look at the calendar. 'But, wait, what the-' is my phrase of choice lately.

Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks…

I'm finding myself saying 'What the-' far far too many times.

It's definitely the sweetcorn. Not the Turkish Delight I'm eating right now with my coffee. At 7.30am. #LifeGoals

Discussion of the week is the age-old Anglo-American 'zed' or 'zee'. It's ZED, okay?

My skin is white that if I bared skin, I'd permanently damage your retinas.

I've re-discovered Marmite. And have been living off it all week. Are you a lover or a hater?

In another moment of mindlessness, I poured coffee granules on my breakfast. I could make that a think actually - like Cocoa Pops. Coffee Pops.

'The evolution of exercise: craze > drudgery > abject hatred

I'm only considering clearing/cleaning out the truck of my car because I took my car for a valet this week and saw the guys face when he opened it.

The Dogs of 2017 pic.twitter.com/X1du1d59gC — WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) December 29, 2017 Completely off topic, but had to share this!! Happy New Year

I bought the cats a water fountain last week. They saunter past it with the contempt it deserves. The bastards.... #humor #blog #lifestyle #funny #MyBigFatFat

I'm so deep into my overdraft I'm getting mud in my nails.

It's been 39 degrees this week. Even blinking makes me sweat.

I've bought one of those garden incinerators. It looks like a quadriplegic version of The Tin Man from Wizard of Oz.

The planet is dying. We're all doomed. Oops, I've gone a bot Goth again haven't I?

The guys at the car wash are beginning to think I'm a creepy stalker.

You know you're old, when you buy 4000-grit sanding paper and some LOPPERS

I promise not to turn you into Hannibal Lector.

'It has a really nifty applicator and feels really cool when applied - instantly calming my skin that quite often looks like I've been dragged behind a car on my…

She was about to buy some face cream from a dodgy site that probably had rat secretions and armadillo spit in it.

I'm visualizing a big hunk of a policeman putting a blanket around me while handing me a hot chocolate and telling me how well I did...

84f for the past couple of days, which means I've retreated into the closet under the stairs. The perfect place to blog, let me tell you.