Samantha Dee

You know it's too hot outside when your measurement of whether or not to go outside and do adulting is whether or not you have to put a bra on…

She applied some numbing cream and asked me what my pain threshold was. I still didn't get nervous and my Aunty started chuckling in the corner.

Strapping an ice pack onto the front of your household fan with a hair-band is,well, super-dangerous.

It's definitely the sweetcorn. Not the Turkish Delight I'm eating right now with my coffee. At 7.30am. #LifeGoals

I've tackled another room at Casa Del Hoarding Bitch, this time, the cupboard under the stairs.

Willow's winter plumage is in full swing now. She looks like that poison-spitting dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

You know you're old, when you buy 4000-grit sanding paper and some LOPPERS

I bought the cats a water fountain last week. They saunter past it with the contempt it deserves. The bastards.... #humor #blog #lifestyle #funny #MyBigFatFat

On the way to make a milky coffee the other day (latte for you posh b*srds), I fill up my mug with milk and walk into the bathroom with it.…

Got home to a garden full of geraniums as big as dinner plates (ok, slight exaggeration for dramatic effect) and peonies as big as footballs (not an exaggeration) now I've…

Cranky, smelly old ladies with the social skills of a hedgehog and breath to match?

PENIES - is that plural of PENIS?

Discussion of the week is the age-old Anglo-American 'zed' or 'zee'. It's ZED, okay?

I googled the word, looking for logo ideas. I found a page full of breast pumps.

I'm a water sign. Which means that I need to be sea/ocean side fairly often. This is hopefully happening next week. If not it's going to be a week of…

I'm finding myself saying 'What the-' far far too many times.

It didn't matter to me that I hadn't been signed by Random House or Penguin Books. I'd achieved something. I'd accomplished something, and it was truly from my heart that…

The next day I have to use the bathroom in a hazmat suit.

I'm only considering clearing/cleaning out the truck of my car because I took my car for a valet this week and saw the guys face when he opened it.

So, my plan for the next job interview is to walk in, face my interviewer, tell him my salary requirement, and then knock him the fuck out. 

'The evolution of exercise: craze > drudgery > abject hatred

The guys at the car wash are beginning to think I'm a creepy stalker.

The Dogs of 2017 pic.twitter.com/X1du1d59gC — WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) December 29, 2017 Completely off topic, but had to share this!! Happy New Year

In another moment of mindlessness, I poured coffee granules on my breakfast. I could make that a think actually - like Cocoa Pops. Coffee Pops.

It's never going to end well; death by Rice Krispies, well, not glamorous is it?

Cutting your grass while wearing flip-flops turns your toes green.

'It has a really nifty applicator and feels really cool when applied - instantly calming my skin that quite often looks like I've been dragged behind a car on my…

After that I might write a book about procrastination. Maybe. We'll see.

It's been 39 degrees this week. Even blinking makes me sweat.

Note to self: find a yacht thief. Agree to go halves, as long as I can have the Chippendales on the sun-deck.