Well, it’s just one thing actually – but I think you’ll agree, I ain’t topping this. Here’s how my week started:
I had a major ‘should have gone to Spec-savers‘ moment at the very beginning of my week. So there I am, up at 2.30 a.m. (I’m old, you get it) – wandering round the house in nothing but Bridget Jones knickers. Not even my glasses. I try and do the whole trip with my eyes closed; you know, so I’m not too awake when I go back to bed or forget that dream about Gerard. Although, I have many.
Back upstairs I glance out of the window and see (the shape of) a car with drivers door open. ‘Weird. It’s not a police car. Could be a neighbors car? Most of my neighbors are older than me. What could they be doing at two a.m.? (and why wasn’t I invited?)’
‘Ooh, someone’s died!’ my brain tells me. ‘They’re getting rid of a body!’ it carries on.
I’m still standing at the almost-full-length windows, in my knickers, squinting to see what it is. Black baseball cap, I think. Is that a reflective vest?
‘It’s armed police, or M.I.5. Fuckshitfuck,’
My 2.a.m. brain is racking over the last month of criminality and debauchery I’d enjoyed since my Security Clearances expired. Like that time I let the lawn overgrow. ‘Definite trip hazard.’
All these thoughts happen in the few seconds it takes for the blurry blob to walk to the level of my front gate. Is he going to turn?
I’m still pressed up at the window, like a Garfield toy. He does turn. Walks through the gate and walks towards my house. Until he disappears under my window where not three months ago, my windows had been forced open.
I’m not even scared at this point. More pissed off that I was now fully awake and my ‘fight-or-flight’ survival mode has well and truly kicked in.
My survival brain grabbed the nearest weapon – a coat hanger, and then decided I adopt a amazonian fight stance. At the window. Naked. It then decides to bang-bang-bang on my window, hoping to scare him off.
I’m visualizing a big hunk of a policeman putting a blanket around me while handing me a hot chocolate and telling me how well I did with that coat hanger.
A couple of seconds later, a head popped out into my line of vision. Walking back towards my gate to exit, he continued to do a half-backwards walk and stare up at me as if he was deciding what he was seeing was a trick of the light.
He stopped at the gate, looked up at my window and studied me for a moment. I realise I’m wielding a coat hanger and some VERY tired boobs. As I drop one and scoop up the other, man is still regarding me with curiosity. Then says,
“I’m your milkman. Sorry if I scared you.”
I drop the boobs and breath a sigh of relief. So disappointed. I was itching to see what damage that coat hanger could do.
How was YOUR week?
Samantha Dee is the Author of ‘My Big Fat…Fat‘ and ‘The Thirty Day Wellness Journal’. Her next book, ‘My Big Fat…Kitchen’ is due out soon.
When not writing books and blogging in her comedy lifestyle blog My Big Fat Blog, Samantha uses her twenty year tech career and has written several online courses for business startups.
She lives in Hampshire with her two cats and is still waiting for Gerard Butler to call.