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My Big Fat Blog

Gold Flakes and Fkn Spiders – My Week in List Form

My Big Fat Blog: As usual my luvlies, here’s how my week went, in no particular order:

1- Since drinking alone is a downward spiral to living IN a shopping cart with a dog who has garden twine for a leash, I tend not to. Unless it’s been a monumentally shitty week.

2- That said, I had a friend over this week, and decided to do an inventory on what booze is in this house. Bearing in mind that the last time I had a drink at home was one vodka in 2017, my inventory went thus: One bottle bucks fizz, two bottles prosecco, four bottles champagne, three bottles of wine, varying colors, two bottles of absinthe (including 80% black absinthe), SIX bottles of vodka (including cinnamon with gold flakes, raspberry, green apple), two bottles of baileys, a bottle of tia maria, unopened bottles of gin, rum, southern comfort, apple schnapps and, in memory of the eighties, Malibu. Did you get all that? Okay then. Moving on.

3- TFS (‘that fucking spider’) that I murdered on my staircase last week has buddies. TFS (‘this fucking spider’) sauntered across my floor the other night and promptly vanished. I know I’m going to wake up one morning with him sucking out my eyeballs.

4- I was regularly receiving charity bags in the mail requesting unwanted clothes etc for months. Now I’ve actually got into the routine of filling them up and putting them outside, they’ve stopped collecting. Ya can’t win, I tell ya. Ya just can’t.

5- Been pressing my nose up against the e-window of robotic lawn mowers. On account of my inability to motivate myself to cut the bloody grass before it looks like a scene from Jumanji.

6- When September comes around we tend to start thinking about Autumn, rain, wind, shivering, dark mornings and electric blankets don’t we? Not this wench. Wait ’til you’re menopausal young ‘un. Until there’s three feet of snow, you’ll still be walking around in a string vest.

7- Despite not having had a TV for six years, I still manage to binge-watch ‘Killing Eve’ until 5am. If I had a TV, it would be the best thing on TV right now.

8- Mildly disappointed that I can no longer indignantly slag off Donald Trump, since we have an equally ridiculous Prime Minister. Sorry, rest of world. Yep, Boris Johnson is real. Whilst he embodies everything I love about being an eccentric but harmless Brit, it’s like putting The Cookie Monster behind the wheel of a Grumman F-14 Tomcat.

9- New thing tried this week: watercolor painting. Did you know that to pain people you just have to paint a carrot? Who’d have know it eh?

10- Quote of the week:

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny…


How was YOUR week?

Isaac Asimov
Isaac Asimov was an American writer and professor of biochemistry at Boston University.

Author, Writer, Editor, Coach, Mother of Cats.


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