Panoramic image of my bedroom 2018

The Menopause Bedroom…

Bedrooms. Boy, how totally off-topic can we get!

“But here is the thing about โ€œadulting:โ€ you should learn how to bring the things you want into your life, regardless of whether you have a natural talent for it.” – DGYST

I started out here wanting to show my amazing bedroom, but then having actually looked at mine against that woman’s tidy, tactile and terrific bedroom, I have just reinforced the fact that I have absolutely NO talent for interior design whatsoever, I really don’t (writing books is my thing, right?),

Mine is not amazing, it’s just a bedroom. In which I’ve chucked together ‘things’. To recover my shame, I’ll say ‘it’s halfway there’. It’ll probably be halfway there for another five years. It does, however, say an awful lot about me. And I love writing about ‘things’! So here we go,

Without further ado. Here’s a shoddy attempt at a panoramic.

Panoramic image of my bedroom 2018

First off, FANS.

There are FOUR fans in this room.

My bedroom is South facing, so even today at 4c, the sun’s baking in through the windows. The fan on top the cabinet is kinda broken, but it’s nothing I can’t fix (I think the blades just need tightening, and one more thing I have to get around to).

Big fanThe fanย on the chair is as big as a plane engine, (fat finger for perspective) and could possibly ventilate an airport. This is my ‘menopause’ fan. It has three settings, which roughly equate to what level hurricane you want.

The fan on the black dresser back there is a noddy little thing I bought for about ยฃ5, and it’s another menopause fan. When you’ve woken up in the middle of the night all clammy with your pajamas stuck to you, you’re going to understand why I’ve got three fans in my room. By the time this one goes on, the covers are kicked off, all three fans are going and it’s shipping up a hurricane in there. This one rotates from the back of my neck to my arse.

The fourth is a little heat fan sitting on the floor, out of shot. I usually leave my radiator off because it has two settings, ‘blazing inferno’ and ‘off’. So in winter, when I go up to bed it’s below zero, so I put that one on to just get above zero. I only leave it on a few minutes, I’m pretty terrified of leaving those things on. Else I’d get a real blazing inferno, I’m sure.

Second, My Crew

I’m single with no kids. And nearly 50.

Animal has been around the block with me a bit. He started off in my car, he’s been to my office and now he’s in my bedroom. Daschund is a beanie, we used to have daschies when I lived with my family. The jawa I got from thinkgeek.com as a Christmas present for someone. However, I decided to keep him. Squeeze his belly and he makes jawa noises and his eyes light up. Sometimes I get creeped out by him and turn him around. Do menopausal symptoms include paranoia? The teddy is from Harrods, and I think it was my Mums. The book is called “Sod Calm and Get Angry”, which speaks volumes about old me.

bedroom-4
Yeah yeah, I need to dust. Don’t judge ๐Ÿ˜‰

Third, Sleep Masks

Daytime naps? who, me?

When I was working in London, I’d get up at 4.50am, and so, in the summer months, as I had to be in bed so early, these helped. There’s two of them though, one’s quite furry so it gets hot but it’s super dark. The other one I can refridgerate. I’ve got another one too, somewhere, I think it’s in my overnight case, which is a ‘girly’ pink silk one.

Four, Lighting

Not very imaginative here.

I have one. Count ’em, one lamp in my bedroom. It’s got an on-off button on the cord, so I can reach it from my bed or find it in the dark and that was about the only reason I bought it. On the floor down there, there’s an extension socket where I charge phones and tablets and my waterproof epilator.

Picture of a model with Braun epilator
Not an actual image of the Author. Unfortunately.

The reason I have this upstairs, is because of the brush attachments. I bought it at a time when my skin was flaking off like puff-pastry. The epilator is good too, and it has a light on it, in case I want to wake up at midnight and epilate. Wait, what? did I just swerve off lights and onto epilators? Honest to god, woman, get with the fucking program. I blame the meds.

Where was I? Yes, so I just have that light. The room light has nothing on it, because since I moved there in 2013 I’ve been debating what I want on the ceiling, a fan light (which I think are FUGLY) or a giant Laura Ashley thing. Knowing me, I’ll chuck one of those 1970’s paper balls on it and be done with it.

Five, Where’s Your Fricken’ Wardrobe?

It’s there, see it?

bedroom-8Yeah, wardrobes is another area of contention for me. I don’t have one. Becausssssssse, I’m still deciding whether I want an upstairs bathroom instead of a third bedroom or a dressing room – slash – study. There’s a gargantuan window in the room in question, but the room is kinda small. If I made it into a dressing room, my cats would spend their lives in there. When I moved in, I had big cardboard wardrobes. My two terrors ended up climbing into the bottom of them, PULLING off clothes from their hangers and making a bed with them.

At the moment it’s this set of drawers from Ikea (Hemnes) and organised roughly thus: Bottom: night & swimwear, scarves, gloves and hats and what-not. Second from bottom: casual tops, tees etc. Third: Work tops. The Big Fat Drawer: underwear. The two little top drawers: left has little evening purses and sunglasses and the right one has cleaning stuff and things I can’t find a place for elsewhere. The bags are just two of about twenty two, I have the others in the cupboard of doom downstairs.

Ooooh, the tube thing peeking on the left is

Six: Pictures

I’m on it, honestly.

A couple of framed photographs of my family and my girlies. Also, I just bought an Agnes Cecile print, which I will be putting up this weekend:

 

just-one-in-a-thousand

 

She’s just about the only watercolor artist I like. The way she paints eyes just blows me away, totally. You can see her painting this here. I just like looking at it, so it’s going to go somewhere I can see it from my bed.

Seven: Clocks

You can never have enough clocks.

The gold clock on the fireplace is from Laura Ashley, and it keeps great time. Other than this one, clocks with alarms are super important to me, because I snooze a LOT. I use my cellphone as an alarm clock, and I also have one on my tablet but I never hear that one. I’ve also installed Google Assistant on my cellphone which I’m super impressed with at the moment. If I wake up in the middle of the night I can just ask the Google lady what time it is, and I don’t have to move (other than to kick the covers off).

Eight: And kinda finally, the bed

One of my favourite places on the planet.

This bed has never had a man in it (you’ll have to read my book for that tea). I bought the bedroom-7frame when I bought my first house – it was one of the first things I bought. Had to be the most massive bed in the place, but it was pretty cheap for a bed frame, nothing special. I’m waiting for it to collapse so I can replace it.

The mattress is an orthopedic one so its pretty hard. I’m fat, and get back problems, but honestly – I’ve never really been into soft beds.

The linens are from Marks and Spencers, can’t remember what they were called but they don’t make them anymore. Always the way, when you find something you like, they discontinue it!! grrrr.

Nine: A spooky honorable mention

The dresser.

I got the dresser at a local auction room in 2005. When it got delivered, there was this bedroom-6cigarette holder in the drawer, obviously from the previous owner, and I’ve never removed it. I’m superstitious, like that. Looks like this is what killed her too. Isn’t it fab, though? Can’t you just imagine flouncing around in a flapper dress in a room where this dresser was? Spooky eh?

Ten: And then what?

If you’ve read this far, sorry! I’m finished…

So really, it’s a practical bedroom containing things I like. I’ve got another chair & footstool which I think I’m going to move in there, with a table to put some flowers and pictures on, and then maybe I’m done. When I moved in, I resolved to do all this properly. I mean, I decked out a ton of boards on Pinterest and some of the stuff I’ve done already.

In all honesty though, I’d rather pay someone else to do all that for me. I’m not all that artistic in this regard. Check back with me in another year or so, maybe I’ll have bought a vase.

Now look, you. I’m supposed to be writing my second book, and you got me off on a tangent. I hold you entirely responsible.

There’s just no control over these writing fingers, once they get going.

#OffTopic #Blog #Bedrooms #IShouldBeWritingMyBook

 

 

 

 

 

 

SamanthaDee

Author of 'My Big Fat...Fat' out now on Amazon

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