As usual my lovelies, here’s how my week went, in no particular order:
1- Put kettle on for coffee. Add instant coffee to mug. Reach for sugar jar, empty. Go to refill it and end up filling my mug to the brim with sugar instead of the sugar jar. I must have been daydreaming about Gerard again. This means of course that I’m limited to coffee only since pouring it back to where it was supposed to be poured included the coffee.
2- Got an email from my estate agent last week letting me know he’s back at work ‘and ready to sell sell sell’. He brought one viewer along the other day who happened to want to look inside my summer house. The ONLY place I haven’t tidied or scrubbed to within an inch of my life.
3- My only human contact this week has been with a pizza delivery guy the other day, who phoned me to tell me he was lost. It was a bizarre conversation, because he had someone else on some other phone giving him incorrect directions which I could hear. He was literally less than thirty seconds away from my house, but it took him half an hour. In the end I had to stand on my doorstep and jump up and down like a lunatic when he came around the corner. He then stopped, in the middle of a busy road. Literally just abandoned his car. I had to scream at him like an apoplectic lunatic woman to move his car out of the road. Then he arrived at my doorstep with someone else’s order. How I wasn’t in the newspaper the next day is a small miracle of restraint.
4- This week for the most part I’ve been dealing with the business of selling my house, and of course that means cleaning. I don’t hate cleaning, but I always feel like there’s some creative endeavor I’m missing out on, like painting my eyeballs, piercing my wrists or tattooing my ankles with the sharp end of a rusty spoon.
5- For about the second time this year I decided to treat myself to a vodka and tonic in the garden. This also gave me the opportunity of pondering why, since I drink so rarely, do I have about eight bottles of vodka in my house, including a cinnamon vodka with gold flakes in it. I concluded that I must have a vodka fairy. Could be worse, I guess.
6- I often wonder how the end of lockdown will affect us. Just last week I walked to the local grocer for some supplies and got half way there before realising I was still wearing my house slippers. I paused as if to continue, briefly, before turning back.
7- This week I tried my hand at self-tanning on account of the fact that for some inexplicable reason I have about seven bottles of the stuff. As with every year, I apply, sleep, wake up, curse and then put the bottles away for another year. There are just some thing that should be left out of my life. Making my palms orange because I spontaneously self-tan is one of these things.
8- You’ll have seen by now that my ‘My Big Fat Kitchen’ videos have started up again. I had planned to visit a grocery store yesterday for some more supplies, but as is usual in my carry-on life, I grab my leopard-print shopping bag, spritz my pits and leave the house to go get some supplies -and the car wouldn’t start. I now have a valid reason to use the acronym ‘FML’ (not least because I now know what it means).
9- Nine. Oh, nine. Nine, nine, nine. By the time I get here I’m leaning back in my chair, staring up at the ceiling (that could do with a lick of paint), and wondering what to put in nine. When this happens, I know that my week hasn’t really been a roller-coaster full of chuckle bunnies and there’s nothing that interesting to fill it with. I’ll leave you with this nugget of romance I receive from a complete stranger on a popular paid dating site recently: ‘Wow, amazing ***s, hun’. I’m cancelling.
10 – Quote of the Week: