Christmas Reflections: This Year

Christmas Carol of the Week: Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin Flew Away..Kojak lost his lollipop on the M4 motorway ohhhhh!

Ahem, yes, I woke up this morning with that stuck in my head. I hope it’s stuck in yours now. It’s better than ‘Copacabana’ for sure (that was last week). Anyway,

Crowds

This time of year I hide away; the thought of Christmas shopping with all those panicking crowds just fills me with dread. Honestly I’d rather eat glass!

Breakdown

Christmas time also gives me the opportunity to reflect on the year-gone. So, this year in May, I lost my job suddenly (because I had a breakdown of sorts), had a serious bout of depression (on top of the anxiety I’m already been treated for), and, some days, stared at the Samaritans phone number for hours on end. I live alone, and so that kind of ‘stewing’ can happen without anyone knowing. I stopped looking after myself, stopped cleaning the house, stopped eating, and just wanted to sleep ALL the time.

Counselling

After a couple of months of re-assurance from my family, I got help from an online counselling service – where it was great to be able to ‘off-load’ to a stranger.

Recovery

Instead of constantly focusing on the negative (like losing my house, which is still a possibility) I eventually started to get up, brush myself off and do things. I make my bed every morning, I brush my teeth and I cuddle my cats a lot, who really don’t give a shit about how much money I don’t have. And since May, I’ve lost forty-something pounds. And okay, that might not be the healthy kind of weight loss (more the self-flagellating ‘I can’t afford to eat’ weight loss), but I’ll take it.

Very slowly, I began to see my unemployed time as an opportunity. An opportunity to heal me, rest. An opportunity to do all the things I hadn’t been able to do while I was working. And, I wrote a book. Upon finding an Editor and sending it to her, I was overwhelmed when I got her positive feedback.

Accomplishments

It didn’t matter to me that I hadn’t been signed by Random House or Penguin Books. I’d achieved something. I’d accomplished something, and it was truly from my heart that this thing came along. I did it!

Moral

So, I think the moral of my story is that, no matter how bad you think things are, try and find a tiny shred of positive. Nurture and hold on to that for all your worth and grow with it. And don’t be afraid to reach out to someone! I think we have to try and find a bit of ‘fierce’ in the face of overwhelming adversity.

Bit sappy eh. But hey, I have only had one cup of coffee so far and my cats are already trying to sing me a Christmas carol because they’re hungry. Always fricken’ hungry!

‘At the copa, copacabana…..’

Much love, and Merry Christmas,

Samantha xoxo