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My Big Fat Blog

Death by Coffee – My Week in List Form (Cabin Fever Version)

As usual my lovelies, here’s how my week went, in no particular order:

1- Every single one of my nightmares came to fruition the other day. A week or so ago, I thought it would be mildly amusing to mow the back yard in my pjs. All went to plan, I got the laughs. Cut to me sitting in my house writing. I reach down to casually scratch an itch on my left calf and notice a skin tag. Upon closer inspection (hold on to your stomachs) I discover that the tag IS A TICK. I scream, coffee goes one way, chair goes another as I literally attempt to run away from my own leg. I yank off the tick in a frenzy of disgust. It’s barely much bigger than a pen nib but that doesn’t prevent me from having the heebie-jeebies for the rest of the week. Every slight itch now has me heading for a flame-thrower.

2- The two felines I share a house with are both now murdering the local wildlife population in tribute to me. Corpses daily. Only now, I’m pleased to say I have my own avian housekeeper. A young magpie has taken it upon himself to clean up for me. It’s one of those symbiotic relationships that shouldn’t exist, but are glad it does. I shall call him ‘Milton’.

3- Speaking of horrors, I closed my eyes and pressed the button on a final tax payment (from back when I was, you know, employed). It’s left me as financially parched as a dead leaf on a hot tin roof, but at least now the ‘nothing’ I have is all mine.

4- It’s all death and horror this week isn’t it? Speaking of.. ‘I say again- death, I had a near-death experience with some coffee the other day which I’m rather proud of. Bear in mind that I’m a qualified and credentialed Mindfulness Practitioner – I’m enjoying a meal I made from scratch (including a slice of Mexican Spice Chocolate Brownie – recipe is coming) and sit back in satisfaction with my coffee.

A few minutes later, I get up out of the chair and in a mind-LESS moment, forget I’ve just taken a gulp, and I BREATHE. Yep, I breathed in the whole mouthful of coffee into my lungs. My poor lungs attempt to process what I’ve just done, which results in me violently exhaling for a good ten seconds before I force myself against all my instincts to attempt to inhale. The coffee that has somehow found its way up my nose expels, and I’m gagging, choking and throwing up coffee and brownie all over myself and the floor. My thoughts raced ‘You’re going to die’, ‘I can’t die like this’ and then flipped to ‘Death by coffee, could be worse’ , ‘This is why you shouldn’t live alone,’ and then finally ‘People will laugh at your death in the next Darwin awards’. I should write the scene and send it to the next script review of ‘Final Destination 13’. I promptly recover, hose myself down, clean and disinfect my coffee and brownie colored exhalations off the floor, refill the coffee and carry on with my day. I’m such a trooper.

5- I packed some more boxes this week. There appear to be no charity shops open for my donations, and Facebook Marketplace has been rather quiet this week. I know that’s all going to change when I start listing the 124 handbags and 72 pairs of shoes that I don’t wear. However, the retarded questions I get about items I have for sale are the only source of entertainment I have during lockdown so, you know, needs must. I’ll obviously share the best gems with you. Mostly because I must continue to include this gif in my weeklies:

6- Song stuck in my head this week – ‘doo wap, wap wap doo wop’ by those kids – you’re TOTALLY welcome.

7- My heating thermostat has been up and down like a whore’s knickers this week, while my garden is looking, again, like a scene from Jumanji. Hoping the growth will slow soon so I can sell my fricken’ lawnmower. Everything must go!

8- I’ve decided to practice my social distancing by exercising at 4.30am. Here are some pictures from my recent outing. Terrible photographs of nothing too exciting – I won’t give up my day job.

9- I’ll leave you with my cat’s contribution to my spring cleaning efforts:

Right I’m off, I have to find a day ten album cover.

10 – Quote of the Week:

No one can save us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.

BUDDHA

How was YOUR week?

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