My Big Fat Blog

Moments with mouthwash.. and other ponderings – My Week in List Form (Cabin Fever Version)

GOD: ‘Gabriel, have you finished that plan for the 2020s yet?’

GABRIEL: ‘Yes it’s here I- wait, you said 2020s – plural?’

GOD: ‘Of course, what did you think I meant?’

GABRIEL: ‘Oh.’

1- I treated myself to one of those water-powered tooth flossers the other week; my dentist said I should put mouthwash in it instead of water. What a spondalicious idea, I thought. Cut to last Monday, power-flosser charged and filled with mouthwash, I switch it on without reading any instructions and realise I had no idea how to turn it off. What followed was me and my bathroom being jet-cannoned with mouthwash and me frantically pressing every button being pelted by mouthwash and sliding on the floor where this demonic pressure washer was emptying its contents. I finally found the button and needed a sugary drink to re-attain my composure. A week on now and the jet-powered-possessed-mouth-demon adorns my shelf like some beastly ornament, poised to lunge at anyone who dares press its buttons, and my bathroom still smells listerine-fresh. A possible, if small, win.

2- Its been a really poopy week, in all senses of the word. From having tradespeople working in your bathroom for six hours straight, to getting a sudden urge from all that rich seasonal food, its been a real exercise in ‘walking from the knees down’ for me. Thank goodness all that’s over with. I’ve entered myself into the Paris Olympics ‘freestyle knee-walking’ event (AND the sharp shooting event with my power-flosser).

3- Watched The Queens Speech the other day, as is tradition. I wonder if the Queen regretted using the Latin phrase ‘anno horribilis’ in her speech a previous year. I wonder if she went to her private secretary this and said ‘David, find a way for me to call this year ‘a right cunt’. Unfortunately, the word is latin. Oh well, I can aspire.

4- I’m still recording the audio books. I have about thirty more stories to record, so that seems to be the routine for me at the moment, after my morning coffee-poop routine. Honestly, it’s all about the poop this week isn’t it?

5- It’s important at the end of this bastard of a year to really reflect on the positive things that we’ve achieved. The funny things, the absurd things, the new things. What have you realised this year that you might not have in other years? Speak them out loud, share them, reflect on them. Personally I think it’s the only way we can enter into 2021; make it positive, optimistic, and absurd. Happy New Year, all. I’m raising a glass (of mouthwash) to you.

Quote of the Week:

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.

JEAN HOUSTON

How was YOUR week?

One Comment

  • liberallin

    Happy New Year Sam, I see you are bringing in the 20s in irreverent out loud laughing style. And yes this year has been ‘a cunt’. I did perfect my puzzle skills though. Who knew 1,000 pieces of cardboard could occupy my time for 3 months. Now that its together, I refuse to take it apart ..it is now part of the kitchen countertop…landlord gasping…take care my friend…better days ahead!

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