My Big Fat Blog

Mooning with Samantha Dee – My Week in List Form (Cabin Fever Version)

See, this is why I think my world spins on another axis,

1- Because, all of a sudden, it’s Friday again, I’m up at 3am and thinking ‘Wait, what the,’ when I look at the Calendar.

2- I was so excited to be opening a packet of toilet roll the other day. You know that frenzied bliss you feel when you stab the plastic with your thumb and there’s that satisfying rip and the feel of th-…. erm. Did that start getting erotic? In reality in my excitement my finger slipped and smacked itself on the edge of a wooden counter-top. I proceeded to exclaim many, MANY words beginning with ‘F’. Bog roll eh, can’t live with it…..

3- Dexter, my local neighborhood mouse murderer has been enjoying the sudden onset of warm dry weather by catching up on his body count. Now, I know you’re all going to say that it’s an expression of love and that he’s mothering me by teaching me to hunt. In reality, he’s seen the inside of my fridge during the current crisis. Several bottles of out of date champagne, a ‘ripe’ celery stick and some wild strawberry jam. It’s his interpretation of grocery shopping for someone you’re worried about. Thanks Dex.

4- It’s real easy to see how things can go a bit ‘Mad Max’y out there. I just get SO angry whenever I leave the house, at something that would have been so innocuous in fairer times. On a recent outing a buy bread, a bus went by. There were people on the bus, sitting on each of the seats. Driver no protection, passengers no protection. Imagine someone sitting on the seat behind you coughing into your hair. Where are they going to risk that?

5- On my plan to ‘live by the sea and write books’ I’m also selling everything in my house and with that comes the inevitable ‘fun’ on Facebook Marketplace. Example:

Me: Large stone garden pot for sale. With or without 3yo plant, patio apple.

FB: What type of apples are they? Are they edible? How many apples did it produce last year?

Me:

6- I had a significant haircut, involving clippers. It’s okay, I’m not having a Britney breakdown. Although it will go better with my apocalypse outfit than the old ‘newsreader hair’ as my ex used to call it.

7- In preparation for my ‘Quitting the Rat Race’ plan, I’ve got almost 10,000 students on Udemy now. After Udemy’s cut, that enhances my income to about £10 a month. Looking into other things, like how to make a Meth lab. Using sugar:

8- Now’s a great time to finish all the books I’ve bought and courses I’ve enrolled in. This week I finished ‘Make Your Bed’ by the Retired US Navy Seal Commander, WhatsHisFace. I’m also now three hours in to a forty-ish hour Hypnotherapy Course. You are getting sleeeeeepy.

9- I’ve just about got my natural circadian rhythms down. Sounds special doesn’t it. What it actually means is that I naturally only need between 4 and 5 hours sleep. Which means I wake up at 3am bright-eyed and bushy tailed, stand in my garden and marvel at the pink super-moon. My cats found it unnerving.

10 – Quote of the Week:

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

Buddha

How was YOUR week?

Author of 'My Big Fat...Fat' out now on Amazon

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