My Big Fat Blog

Some of the Things I’ve Learned in 50 Years – My Week in List Form (Birthday Version)

Yes folks, I’ve hit a milestone. Right in the left boob:

I came through 20s and 30s saying ‘I’d rather die at 50 than be old, lonely and neglected.’ – Now I’m there, I’m negotiating with The Universe. Well, I say negotiating, it’s more slithering; ‘I didn’t mean any of that shit, honestly.’ So before the Universe smites me, here’s my best and worst advice of the last 50 years:

1- Learn how to use semi-colons; it’s worth it. Oh Gods, did I do that right?

2 – Your twenties are for being skint and scraping the back of the sofa for gas money. It also serves for your parents can laugh their tits off at your measly efforts to adult. So, ya know, give them that.

3 – If you find a lipstick or nail colour you love, BUY TEN. Mac ‘Feel So Fine’ and Chanel ‘Cobra’ I’m talking to you, you TOTAL bastards.

4 – Every room should contain a pair of scissors.

5 – If someone invites you outside school confines when you’re twelve to smoke a cigarette because its cool AF, do.not.go. It’s why I’m still five feet tall.

6 – Learn the ‘I’ll show them’ manoeuvre early. I remember being on a pony, back when I was seven. Scared and whimpering because we were in a field and he wanted to gallop. My Dad said something along the lines of ‘Fer fucks sake Sam’ – and with that I grabbed the rope and galloped bridle-less and bareback across a thirty plus acre field. I remember looking back mid-gallop and seeing Dad cheering and jumping up and down. Best day ever. I showed him.

7- Finish school. It’s the Law. If you then turn out to be a drooling cretin, that’s your fault, not your parents.

8 – Peanut butter is from the Devil. And so is mashed potatoes.

9- You’ll be grateful for a Dad who drags you to vote when you’re old enough, when all you really want to do is play with makeup, clothes and boys. It gives you many bitching rights in later years. ‘When I were a lass….’

10- Your parents will probably die before you. Love them every day.

11- Do what you say you’re going to do. And be on time.

11- Cats show love only if they want something. Don’t be fooled by them. Also, buy blu-tac.

12- Hair straighteners.

13- Spend at least a month out of every year chucking out things. ‘Things’ are bullshit, hiding insecurity.

14- If you think you’re on top of the world and everything’s going right, plan your fucking descent right now. Otherwise you’re gonna be sliding down the side of a glacier on a tin tray.

15- Get used to your own company. Be comfortable with silence.

16- Don’t waste your life away resenting people who’ve wronged you. I guarantee they aren’t wasting theirs on you.

17- Keep your circle small.

18- When someone is talking to you face to face, put your fucking cell phone down.

19- Sleep as often as possible.

20- Learn something new, every day.

Quote of the Week:

I am still every age that I have been.

Madeleine L’Engle

How was YOUR week?

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