My Big Fat Blog

Violent Curtains and Pogo Sticks- My Week in List Form (Cabin Fever Version)

As usual my lovelies, here’s how my week went, in no particular order:

1- We’re still supposed to be in ‘tier 2’ lockdown, but judging from the sound of traffic outside, most people are flaunting the rules – one being that we can visit a Llama farm with up to two distant relatives on a pogo stick while wearing one red sock. Honestly people, honestly. We should really be doing more to protect our aunties-second-cousins-budgies-babysitter-twice-removed.

2- My house is still up for sale, which means I’m emptying my life of many worldly possessions (with the intention of walking out of here with a suitcase and a bucket of Epsom salts to walk into the sunset (to live by the sea and write books). The fun part is discovering multiples of things I don’t remember purchasing in the first place: a pack of ten sheets of 4000-grit sandpaper, five tubes of self-tan, four chargers for an electric toothbrush I don’t have, eight pairs of black suit trousers and a pair of curtains I don’t even recognise. This is all ‘just the tip’ of the iceberg.

3- This week (well, the past few) I’ve been recording an audiobook of horror stories (why yes, I have a dark side, don’t you?). I’m now realising (maybe remembering) that speaking prescribed words out loud is way harder than I anticipated. Also, the slightest thing can send me off into a fit of giggles – like reading ‘leopard-print-shoulder bag and leopard-print-blouse’ in the same sentence, or ‘she violently opened the plaid curtains’. Fits of giggles, I shit you not. Observe:

4- For those of you who have read this far and now have a deep concern for a spinster in lockdown surrounded by toothbrush chargers and laughing at the sound of her own voice, I just want to declare at this point, that I’m FINE. My prescriptions are still getting filled.

5- Finally I want to share an ingenious way to cure the old ‘tossing and turning’ in bed. If you’re a sleeper that moves around like a spider on an acid trip in the wee hours, just wind some bendy hair rollers tightly into your hair before sleep. Instant cure. If you don’t believe me, just reach up and pull sharply on one single strand if hair close to your temple. You’re welcome.

Quote of the Week:

Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening.”

NOT GHANDI

How was YOUR week?

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